EOY: The Mushy Stuff

Dear Families,

The end of the school year is always filled with many emotions.

The prospect of the different routines of summer, of meeting new people, and trying new things, can invoke both excitement and nervousness.

Saying goodbye to so much that is familiar – people, places, schedules – can similarly bring up a wide spectrum of feelings, ranging from sadness to relief.

I expect all of these feelings from our students and I do my best to honor them.

Some students will feel some sadness, as I absolutely will, to say goodbye to their peers and teachers on Thursday.

Conversely, some students (maybe even the same children who feel sad!) will experience relief in not having to see me each morning. And being three or four years old, with much of their natural-born intent still intact, they might say so out loud.

If they do, it’s not rudeness. It could be a few things, but I don’t think it’s rudeness. It could be honesty. Sure, they have been the government of their own class this year, but I still represent enforcement. I helped them enforce their own agreements as well as the daily schedule (which they did not choose), so I do represent an imposition of structure that students didn’t always enjoy. So, no matter how nurturing I may have been, it’s natural that some students might still feel glad to get a break from me. And I’m ok if they say so. I will listen to them, acknowledge their feelings, and let them know that however they feel, they will always get love from me.

Besides honesty, a child saying something like, “I won’t miss you,” or “I’m happy I’m not going to see you anymore,” can also be a form of self-protection. Even when we’re three or four years old, we can use inverted speech like this to cope with uncomfortable emotions. If there were an internal dialogue, it might sound something like, “Whatever I’m feeling — sadness, anger, I-don’t-know-what — it feels yucky, and so I’ll use happy words to convince myself that it feels fine.” Again, we all feel how we feel. I don’t want to compound a child’s uncomfortable feelings.

If I’m aware in the moment, I’ll say something like, “you’ll feel relieved, yes?” I might even ask something like, “let’s think of something I said at school that you’ll be glad to not hear anymore.” Or I might acknowledge their feelings and follow up by asking them if they’d like to hear how I feel about saying goodbye to them.

One last thing before I close up this post, I’d like to encourage you to investigate the “Non Violent Communication” ideas of Marshall Rosenberg. If you prefer reading, he published several books. If you prefer watching or listening, YouTube and Spotify are great places to start. We have used his ideas all year long, and I’ve been amazed at the way students responded to it.

Whenever students said things like, “you can’t come to my party,” or called each other names, we encouraged them to re-state those expressions in terms of their own feelings. As young people, we learn surprisingly quickly to skip over our own feelings, and go right to revenge. Someone does something we don’t like, we feel hurt/scared/angry/threatened, and we skip recognizing those feelings and go straight to, “you’re a poopyhead!”

This is learned. Accidentally learned, perhaps, just because most of the adults around us learned it. After all, what do we say when someone cuts us off in traffic? Until recently, in the privacy of my own car, I said, “idiot!” In the past few years, I’ve practiced saying, “I feel frightened, because that maneuver seemed to put me in danger.” It’s amazing how things change through this approach.

Students were taught, in context, the following conversation pattern:

Student A: “I felt ______, when you___________.”

Student B (whether they did the thing the person said or not): “Did you say you felt ______, when I ____________.”

Student A: If yes, “yes.” If no, “no, thanks for checking. I actually felt _________, when you _____.” (maybe in different words). They went back and forth until understanding was reached.

Then they switch roles, with Student B stating their feelings, student A reflecting them back, and student B confirming understanding.

Once they had mutual understanding, it was amazing to see the pressure lift from their faces. Then they’re ready to make a request, like, “please don’t shove me again,” or “please, treat me gently.” More often, the conversation just went right to, “ok, let’s go play.”

Over the past few years of learning about this way of thinking, feeling, and communicating, I have been amazed by my observations. I’m convinced that this way of thinking, feeling and communicating can transform classrooms, families, and communities, even when the person I’m talking with doesn’t know about it. I hope you’ll look into it and see if it makes your life more wonderful (that’s some thing Dr. Rosenberg says a lot 🙂  ).

If you got this far, thanks for reading. I’m glad I don’t have to say goodbye to you for a couple more days.